Wild turkeys are taking over the Hamptons as we speak, where they're presumably trashing $1 million trailers, switching on unsuspecting residents' coffeepots, and snapping at the heels of skydiving champagne pourers.
The Post reports that these loathsome local poultry—none of whom can't afford East Hampton real estate and taxes—have skyrocketed in population of late. Now, of course, they're terrorizing residents and "getting caught in tennis nets." "We’ve been chasing them off our lawns with basters and garnish," P.R. executive Robert Zimmerman (no relation?) told they tabloid. "They're very aggressive." Well, you've got to be aggressive to keep it real by the beach, duh.
According to the state Department of Environmental Conservation, wild turkeys have been multiplying in unprecedented numbers since about 75 birds were transported from upstate NY to Long Island in the early 1990s—prior to that, they were nearly extinct. To mitigate the population boom, the state is considering extending the current five-day wild turkey hunting season. Unsurprisingly, that season coincides with the Turkey Massacre Celebratory Feast of Thanksgiving, but by the looks of things these Hamptons turkeys will have hijacked the line at Finale and eaten all the caviar by then, so good luck getting rid of them.
