The cries of outrage from the residents of the Garden State have reached fevered pitch over the perceived slight they have consistently observed from all participants in this week's Super Bowl. The slight? Everyone is referring to the Super Bowl being in New York, not New Jersey. They should look at a map, right? It's in New Jersey!
"Think about this in any place,” New Jersey Senator Cory Booker told WCBS. “If there was a Super Bowl in Texas, and everybody kept saying it was in Arkansas. If there was a Super Bowl in California and everybody kept saying the Super Bowl was in Arizona."
Good point, Booker. Those individuals would be totally wrong. If one were to inspect the location of the game closely, you would see that the stadium where the event will be held is an a swampland located a few miles from midtown New York City, next to an abandoned mall and a dangerous, unfinished interchange. Yes, clearly this is New Jersey. The gall of everyone involved to associate this huge event with the glitz of New York! Indeed, the location is undeniably New Jersey. So why the disrespect?
After Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said he was happy to be coaching a game in New York, a resident of New Jersey corrected him (spelling all CS Monitor):
"Coach, I just want to say something. I'm Rich Boggiano with the city council. You said yowah glad to be back in New Yawk. I just want to remind you, yowah in New Jersey. Awlright?""
Carroll, who thinks 9/11 was an inside job and is in favor of medical marijuana, replied:
“You’re right, my bad. I’m talking to all the people on the West Coast who don’t care about that. But you’re right.”
All those damnable elites on West Coast, Rich and Cory. We're doing it for them. We're trying to help them understand that even though the game is being played in New Jersey, we're going to tell them it's being played in New York, because that makes more sense for their weed-addled tech-driven minds. Why would anyone choose New Jersey to host the Super Bowl. New York, well, that's a great idea! Big city, lotsa money! New Jersey? That place can get a little dreary. They cancel public works projects for the fun of it.
Which gets us to the larger point, Rich and Cory. Why on earth would you even want this Super Bowl? The Super Bowl is usually hosted by mediocre cities that have nice weather or domes. Tampa, Phoenix, Detroit, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, etc. But you're better than those places, Jersey. In fact, you don't even deserve equal billing with New York. You deserve higher billing. You deserve an even more super Super Bowl.
“We’re going to flex our pride, and I think by the end of the Super Bowl people will know that truly New Jersey is boss," Booker announced. Right on!
Next year, NFL, why not bring the game back to New Jersey? But this time, make it the real New Jersey, not the New Jersey where teams play with New York on their helmets and everyone who attends games works in New York. Give us a game in Trenton. Put it right on a barge in the Delaware River. Set it on fire and feed it with garbage. Let the wreckage of your struggling cities warm themselves with the unquenchable blaze. And when the hour strikes for kickoff, proudly cross your arms in satisfaction. The world will know the true New Jersey, and it's about damn time.
