Health PSA: if your plans for the evening include sitting on your own in your apartment and stuffing your face while contemplating the likelihood that you will die alone, just know that your sad, sad attempt to numb the pain of your excruciating and all-encompassing isolation is probably hastening you towards the very end you fear most.
Yes, ladies and gentleman and alienated single people everywhere, you can now add "eating alone" to the list of things that are probably bad for you, along with sitting and standing.
According to a new study from a group of Korean physicians, men, in particular, who eat alone at least twice a day are more likely to suffer from metabolic syndrome, exhibiting risk factors like high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and signs of pre-diabetes.
Possibly, this is because people are more likely to make unhealthy nutritional choices when they don't have a close friend or soulmate on hand to hold them accountable. This study backs up my own highly scientific and rigorous studies, which have demonstrated a strong inverse correlation between the likelihood that an individual will consume two orders-worth of orange chicken in one sitting and the presence of another witness person in the apartment.
Of course, with all of these studies—which tell you things you either do or definitely do not want to hear—there is more research to be done and it's possible factors including stress and lack of sleep could be contributing to the cardiovascular events mentioned above.
Still, in light of this evidence, it seems likely that the only truly healthy way to eat involves neither sitting nor standing and must be undertaken in the company of a large group of people. Possibly a group snacking situation, while floating gently in a shallow wading pool.
