Jolly old NY Post columnist Steve Cuozzo is yelling at clouds again, this time unleashing a tirade on what he declares to be "the worst steakhouse in NYC," and it's a fun read even if it misses the point. The critic who previously "gagged" at Lady Gaga's foray into food visited UES churrascaria Texas de Brazil, unleashing a truly joy-inducing lede for a restaurant review: "Yo, Bill Bratton: Crime is back. I got mugged for $232.22." Zing!
Cuozzo takes the year-old Brazilian-style steakhouse to task on numerous levels, devoting several moments to the lack of a coat check—"bulky coats piled on empty seats"—the decor—"suburban-blah"—and observations about the staff, including a vignette of two suited managers mopping up a spill by "dragging wet paper towels across [the floor] with their feet."
Of course, he's not pleased with any of the "reheated-tasting chicken" and other meats, which are served on large swords by goucho pants-clad waiters:
Of the dimly lit salad bar's "50 to 60 seasonal items," roughly 50 to 55 would embarrass a Bronx bodega buffet—rawhide-tough bacon and sun-dried tomatoes and lettuces on their last legs.
I don't know where they get their meat, but we can rule out "artisanal" ranches.
Roadhouse-grade flank steak and filet mignon gave way to bone-dry, 100-percent flavor-free pork tenderloin and concrete-dense, yucca-flour-coated "pork belly." The only available lubricants were oily, separated chimichurri sauce and near-liquid mint jelly.
Fatty, sinewy leg of lamb defeated a steak knife's efforts to slice it. Beef-pork sausage approached mediocrity once we sawed through triceratops-hide casing.
I've actually been to Texas de Brazil twice; once on the restaurant's dime when they first opened, then again with a two-for-one coupon I got by signing up for their email newsletter. Is it the best steakhouse in NYC? No, but it's not the worst—anyone remember Parea Prime? Plus, I think it's unfair to compare a place that's literally All-You-Can-Eat to an eatery carefully crafting each individual cut. That's like going to a strip mall Chinese Buffet and declaring it the Worst Sichuan Restaurant in Poughkeepsie. It's just not on the same level.
What TDB gets right—in this blogger's opinion—is that experience of being able to eat as much goddamn animal flesh one can stomach; it's about Treating Yo Self to a button busting dining experience. Sure, it's expensive, but you're paying for your Constitutionally-decreed right to secure the Blessings of Liberty (a.k.a. stuff your mouth hole 'til you feel sick). The signature picanha has been excellent each time I've eaten it and I don't care who you are—there's no denying that Brazilian cheesy bread is the bomb.
