The cuddling epidemic that NYC is currently going through is not just confined to grifting couples and touchy-feely professionals—it's also infected stand-up comedians.

For completely inexplicable reasons, comedian Mike Fine opened up to the NY Post this weekend about how he's cuddled thousands of women, attends cuddle orgies, and vastly prefers cuddling to sex, all of which is information we didn't need to know.

“I’d choose cuddling 10 times out of 10 [over sex] — it’s more intimate. And at least cuddling I know I’m good at,” explains the 33-year-old bachelor. “Sex is like a chore, a routine — it’s like going to the dentist.”

The Upper West Side resident claims to have cuddled 10,000 women in his lifetime. He says he averages seven women per week — for about an hour each — but really racks up his count at parties devoted to the activity, where he snuggles with dozens of partners in a single night.

Fine claims that unlike the grifting couple, he doesn't charge women to cuddle with him, which makes his need to draw attention to his cuddle fetish even odder (unless of course this is all a way to jumpstart his own professional cuddling service...). Then again, Fine does have a thing for publicity stunts with local news organizations, so all attention is good attention.

Some choice quotes from the profile that will definitely convince you the only way to fulfillment is by paying these people to stay the hell out of your personal space:


  • "So many women turned me down for sex that I figured cuddling would be a great middle ground," he said.

  • “Girls automatically assume guys are out to f -  - k,” Fine says. “They think there’s something wrong when I tell them I’m into cuddling.”

  • “There’s nothing worse than a clingy cuddler,” he laments.

  • “I have no intention of stopping,” he says. “I’m the cuddle star. It’s my thing.”

Historically speaking, men's publications have erred toward treating cuddling as some sort of primal foreplay that is "ALWAYS a gateway to sex." A few years ago, Slate published a 10,000,000ish word article to fight this perception. It's well-researched and a bit uncomfortable and way too long.

What happened here? Are we becoming a nation of shameless snuggle-bunnies? I believe that we are. In the new era, cuddly men will no longer be deemed wimps. Instead, society will have to designate a new generation of wusses to fill the void: people like Larry Kudlow, people who tremble at the sight of gay men cuddling, people who are terrified to have their junk touched. Today let us bring our epidermises together under a soft banner of cuddliness. The revolution will be staged, conveniently, from bed. Or at least that's where you'll find me—snuggling like the day I was born.

At this point, all these stories about cuddling strangers is making us feel like Virginia the Grumble Pig.