On Sunday, I am taking an 11-hour flight to Buenos Aires. I am very afraid of planes*, and I have not been on a long flight in a few years. I am scared, and as a result I spent many hours in which I was probably supposed to be blogging researching how to handle long-haul flights. Here, I will impart what I've learned, both from experience (I’ve flown direct to Rome, Israel, Prague) and the Internet, unto you—after the trip I will report back, provided I do not get dragged off to an insane asylum when the gremlins come for me.

Step 1: If you can spend money, do it. Otherwise, get ready to gamble. I booked an American Airlines flight through Expedia, and discovered, to my horror, that only middle seats were available. If you are traveling alone for a flight that is upwards of two hours, a middle seat is wholly unpleasant. Airlines know this, of course, which is why they'll offer you better, "premium" seats for an extra $50-$60 per flight.

If you cannot fathom suffering 11 hours in a middle seat, it's worth it to spend the extra money, especially if your flight was expensive to begin with. That $60 will get you peace of mind, which is, in my opinion, half the battle. But if you can't spare the cash and/or are willing to gamble, airlines do have a number of unassigned seats ready to give out during check-in, and there's a good chance you'll get something more bearable when it's time to board.

Please note that American Airlines sucks.

Step 2: Get drugs, if you must. These drugs include, but are not limited to Tylenol P.M., Benadryl, and melatonin, along with prescription stuff like Ambien and Xanax. Be sure to test these bad boys out before your trip so you know how they effect you.

If you prefer to stay clear of sleep aids and/or anti-anxiety drugs, I find a glass of wine before a flight and another one sometime halfway through will do the trick nicely. Note that airplane cabins have incredibly dry air and it’s much easier to get dehydrated, so don’t overdo it with the alcohol, lest you suffer a very unpleasant hangover.

Step 3: Go shopping. You need a lot of T*H*I*N*G*S to make your flight even vaguely comfortable, and though some of these items can be purchased at the airport if need be, it's best to get your ducks in order before you're forced to face down the cashier at Hudson News. These items include, but are not limited to:

A neck pillow (I've been told these are "bullshit" but I do not agree.)
A hoodie, preferably a free one you stole from the sad swag pile in your office.
Noise-cancelling headphones (GET THIS SHIT NOW A COLICKY SATAN BABY WILL ABSOLUTELY SCREAM IN YOUR EAR)
A book that is gripping but involves little thinking.
A second book that is gripping and potentially involves thinking.
A journal.
A pen.
Hand lotion.
Sanitizer.
A tiny toothbrush.
Travel-sized mouthwash.
An eye mask.
Chapstick.
This carry-on cocktail kit.
Socks you can walk around in.
Pictures of your family so you're surrounded by loved ones when your plane inevitably crashes.
Not a baby.
This handy travel spice kit.
An iPhone stocked with Spotify playlists.
An extra pair of headphones in case something happens to the first pair.
27 copies of your passport JUST IN CASE.

Traveling is expensive. Lie awake at night feeling anxious both because you are about to go on a plane and because you are in debt. Eat candy to ease this anxiety, and then lie awake at night feeling anxious about potential diabetes.

Step 4: Dress appropriately Planes are very cold, probably because if they were too hot everyone would sweat everywhere and the whole thing would smell like the underbelly of an armpit. You should always layer up.

It is also a terrible idea to wear tight pants and/or shoes onboard a plane, as the pressure makes your body swell up like that chick who turned into a blueberry in Willy Wonka. Gothamist staffer Ben Yakas claims he likes to take his pants off on planes, but I do not recommend this for obvious reasons.

If you're going on a veeeeery long trip, it's not a terrible idea to invest in a pair of compression socks to wear on the plane. They are not stylish, but they are better for your health, especially if you are at risk for deep vein thrombosis. I spent a lot of time googling DVTs the other day, and it turns out people who've recently had surgery, are on birth control pills, or smoke are all at risk of getting blood clots, in addition to people who are pregnant, are overweight or obese, have Inflammatory bowel disease, or are over the age of 60.

Step 5: Get to the airport early and spend several hours walking around: The TSA recommends you arrive at the airport about three hours before an international flight, since security takes a long time to get through. I believe in getting to the airport four hours before an international flight, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW what "total chaos" will engulf you even en route to the airport. I then spend the hours leading up to my flight wandering around the terminal to stretch my legs before trapping them in a prison in the clouds.

Airports are like their own small, crumbling countries, and not enough people take the time to explore them. The duty-free shops! The bars! The Auntie Anne stalls! A Victoria's Secret! A Metropolitan Museum of Art shop! All the Hudson News kiosks you could dream of! Bar after bar after bar! Wander in circles until the dudes at Cibo Express start eyeing you suspiciously, then slink off to your gate and watch CNN until your eyes bleed.

Step 6: Buy snacks. Airlines are getting stingier by the minute, and a long-haul flight no longer guarantees a meal, or at least enough food to keep you from curling over after being in the air for 11 hours. After you make it through security, buy all the tiny packets of gummies, nuts and pretzels Hudson News has to offer, because calories don't count above 10,000 feet. You should also either purchase water or bring an empty refillable water bottle with you, because planes make you very dehydrated. Remember that you cannot bring liquids through security.**

Step 7: Befriend the flight attendants. Earlier this year, airline workers spilled a bunch of secrets on Reddit, confirming that the nicer you are to your flight attendant, the better they will treat you. This is a basic tenet of human decency, of course, but people forget flight attendants have really difficult, thankless jobs, and often have to put up with assholes treating them like they are servants. Flight attendants who like you will give you extra snacks, sneak you food from first class, let you wander the cabin when your legs think they're dying, etc. etc.

Step 8: Do stuff with your legs. I am about 5 feet tall, so legroom isn't much of an issue for me. That being said, if your legs are on the shorter side, you might have trouble getting them comfortably on the floor, so a blow-up foot rest is not a terrible idea (plus it's super comfortable)!

I polled tall people re: what to do with your legs on a long plane trip. I received the following responses:
"cross them"
"SUFFER DEEPLY"
"cramp up"
"detachable legs np"
"scoot way down in the seat so you can kind of straighten them out under the one in front of you"
"pray for an exit row"
"tuck them under the seat in front as much as possible"
"avoid airplanes, or 'Coffee Breath Fart Tube Torture Chambers,' as they are called"
"travel by boat"
"manspread unapologetically"
"i scooch my butt to the edge of my seat, and rest my legs on the top of the seat in front of me. or i'll just spend the entire flight in the bathroom! lots of leg room in there."

I do not regret being short.

Step 9: Don't sweat the small stuff. I once took a Red Eye back from Los Angeles during which the dude next to me INSISTED on keeping his fucking light on the whole time, even while he slept. To make matters worse, the light was broken, so it would flicker on and off and wake me up. I still hate this man deeply, but if I'd spent less time seething over his light selfishness, I probably would have slept better, since the rage kept me up almost as much as the flickering light. Hell is other people on a long flight, hence the aforementioned eye mask and noise-cancelling headphones.

Step 10: Remember that it will all be over soon. A long flight is sort of like an acid trip—some parts are fun, like all the free movies, but at some point you find yourself clutching your face while you try to remember what life was like before you put that tab on your tongue. Eleven to 15 hours is, in fact, a very long time, but it's not forever, and one day the plane will land and you will get off it.

Unless it crashes!

*My planephobia dates back to 7th grade, when I was hit by a one-two punch of air travel-related horror. First, there was a very real terror borne of 9/11, which spawned a several months-long series of nightmares about a plane disintegrating underneath me. Then, a few months later I watched the first 45 minutes of Final Destination, which OPENS with a goddamn plane exploding just minutes after takeoff. I am now 26, and I have recovered from neither of these experiences. I also get claustrophobic and I can't sit still and planes smell weird and deep-vein thrombosis and LET ME FEAR WHAT I FEAR.

**This is something most of us are very aware of, but for some reason my grandmother INSISTS on showing up to an airport security line with a full bottle of water, and then she spends 10 minutes fighting with the TSA agents about it. I can't understand it.